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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Life Without Daddy

22 Sep

Its been almost a week since Matt left for the first time since Benjamin was born. And it is my first time being a mom all on my own.

The good news is that, with a kid, the time absolutely goes by much faster. The days just fly by. I look down at the time on my phone and will be shocked to find that it’ll be 5:00 already. The downside is that I get no break at all. I know that Matt has it harder than I do out in the field (especially days like today, when its been raining all day), but it’s still a little tough some days. When Ben is being really fussy or cranky, and I’m getting frustrated, the thought inevitably creeps into my mind: I have to deal with this all day. I am almost at the end of my rope and I have no one to help me. Of course, it gets better within a few minutes for the most part — Ben stops crying, I calm down, and everything is fine. But those moments where I feel completely helpless and alone are definitely tough. Being alone with a baby is so different from being completely alone when he’s gone, and its a big adjustment to make. There are definitely ups and downs to separation with kids as opposed to without.

One of the downs? Ben hasn’t been sleeping as well lately. I’ve been so confused as to what has been affecting his sleeping habits. It took some time, but eventually I got him to where he was not only sleeping through the night, but also on a fairly reliable naptime schedule. He usually wakes up around 8:00am. But since Matt left, he’s been waking up around 4:30am and he isn’t napping as well as he normally does, either. The only thing different is that his dad isn’t here. I have no idea if he even realizes it, and if it would affect something like that, but I don’t know what else could be causing it. He is teething, but I’m still giving him Tylenol as usual. He’s eating the normal amounts and doesn’t seem to be hungrier than usual. I’m so confused as to what the difference is. I can’t figure it out. And I really do wonder if Ben has noticed that his Daddy isn’t here.

Things are a little tough on my end as well. I miss him so much already. Like I said before, I don’t think I’ll ever completely get used to him not being here. Its only been a few days, but I really do miss him. I just want to hug him for a few minutes, for him to sleep in the bed next to me. But this is only the beginning, and I’ve got to tough it out for a lot longer than a few weeks soon. I’m not looking forward to it, but at the same time… I really just want to get it over with.

 
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Posted in Marine Corps life

 

Already?

13 Sep

It’s getting to be fall already. I can’t believe it’s already halfway through September. My baby is almost six months old — it’s been half a year since I had him. It’s time to start getting ready for Halloween and making holiday preparations. For us, the holidays are still up in the air, considering that I have no clue whether or not Matt will be home for Christmas (thanks, Marine Corps). I have plans for how to handle it either way, but it would be nice to at least know.

Matt told me last night that he thinks he’s going to be leaving advon again for this deployment. I can’t say I’m entirely surprised — for the last deployment, he left advon for not only the deployment, but for every single work-up as well. And he didn’t come home advon for any of them. I had a feeling this was going to happen again, but at least this time I won’t be pregnant over the deployment (I hope, anyways), and we won’t have a deadline for him to get home by. It really did suck to have him gone almost two months longer than everyone else was, though. I hope that doesn’t happen again. The most frustrating part, though, is that I’ve been told that the advon guys will only have around nine days of predeployment leave. That’s not anything that I know for sure, but if it is the case, then I am not a happy camper. It’s not because I’m being robbed of anything, but because my husband is. He’s going to be going to Afghanistan to fight a war — regardless of when he leaves, he deserves a decent amount of leave before he goes. All Marines do.

And since we’re having to deal with planning for a deployment, that means work-ups are starting soon. Matt’s leaving to be in the field shortly, and he’ll be gone for a little while. And this is how it will be until his unit deploys. I’ve known that this deployment was coming since before he even came home from Afghanistan (how’s that for catching your breath?), but I haven’t really been thinking about it. I made some mental preparations earlier this year, I figured out what I was going to do during the deployment to get Ben through it and to get myself and Matt through it, and then I let it go. I feel prepared and ready but… man, how did it get here so fast? It’s still quite a ways away, but at the same time, here we are, getting ready. It’s far away and right around the corner at the same time.

I just feel resigned. Maybe it makes me a bad wife, but I just want to get it over with already.

Meanwhile, I’ve got all these plans to make. It’s Ben’s first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And sure, he’s just a baby, but I want to make them special and amazing. I’ve already got his Halloween costume picked out (the cutest little lion costume ever), and I’m excited to get the house decorated for Halloween. I’m trying to decide if I want to have Matt put up the Christmas lights before he leaves, because God knows I don’t know how to do it. He won’t be here for Thanksgiving, so the plan is to have it before he leaves. I’m pretty sure my family won’t be coming up here, so we’ll probably just have our Marine Corps family come over. I mainly want an excuse to make a ton of Thanksgiving food, because let’s face it, there’s really no sense in making a whole Thanksgiving feast for just two people.

And then… Christmas. If he won’t be here for Christmas, then we’ll just celebrate that early, too, but I’m still a little sad that he’ll be missing Ben’s first Christmas. He’ll also be missing Ben’s first birthday, our two-year anniversary, my birthday… he’ll be missing a lot this time. Last deployment he didn’t miss much (well, unless you count my entire pregnancy). It makes me sad, not so much for myself, but for Ben and for Matt. I’m sad especially for Matt. I know he hates that he has to miss so much. When he gets that low, I do my best to try to remind him of what he’s fighting for, and that he’s doing it for us. I have to be his motivation, so I can’t let myself get dragged down. I have to be strong for all of us.

In the good news department, after Matt leaves to go in the field, I’ve arranged for Ben and I to get some pictures done at a local park. I’m going to make a scrapbook over the next few months — a small scrapbook — that will be laminated and everything so that he can take it with him when he deploys. He’ll be able to carry his family with him. I hope he’ll like it.

I still can’t believe that all of this has crept up on me so suddenly. How are we dealing with another deployment already?

 
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Posted in Deployment, Marine Corps life

 

Are there any good wives left?

07 Sep

Sometimes, I swear to God I feel like I am the only good Marine Corps wife left.

Obviously, I know that’s not true — I can name several friends off the top of my heads who are wonderful wives and mothers. But as I’ve been floating around USMC wife communities online, I’ve been getting increasingly disturbed. I’ve seen girls ask if it’s cheating to make out with another girl, if it’s OK that they want to send Dear John letters, and admitting that they want to cheat when their husbands are gone because they miss the attention that comes with being in a relationship. And while there’s always a few bad eggs, what absolutely floors me is that there have been throngs of other Marine Corps wives supporting these statements!

If you love your husband then no, it is not difficult to stay faithful while he’s gone. It’s called, you aren’t a wild animal and you control your impulses, so keep your damn legs together while your husband is putting his life on the line defending YOUR freedom. That goes for making out with another girl, too. Call me crazy, but my wedding vows didn’t say be loyal to my husband… unless it’s with someone of the same sex. I didn’t say I would forsake all others, except for people of the same sex. No. I made a commitment, and I swore to be loyal and to forsake all others, til death do us part. That is what marriage is. There’s no wanting to flirt and kiss and hold hands with other guys because you miss being part of a couple. There’s no getting drunk and making out with another girl. What is the point of getting married if you aren’t going to honor that commitment?

And the Dear John letter. I swear, any woman who sends a Dear John letter in my opinion deserved to be publicly humiliated. There is nothing more selfish and cruel and cold-hearted. Your husband (or boyfriend or fiance or whoever) is at war, probably living each day on the hope of coming home to you, and then he gets hit with a Dear John letter? I would ask if these women don’t realize what they’re doing, but I’m pretty sure they do know exactly what they’re doing, and just don’t care. I don’t care what the situation is, but there’s no excuse for it. None. Zero. There is no situation where it is ever acceptable or appropriate to send a Dear John letter to a war zone. I don’t care how dreamy Channing Tatum looked in that Nicholas Sparks movie where it all ended up OK. It’s not OK.

Then there’s the complainers I’ve been coming across. The women who talk about how terrible the Marine Corps is, and how they can’t wait until their husband gets out, and how awful this life is, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. To all those women: SHUT UP. You married a Marine. You knew what you were getting into. And if he got into the Corps after you were married, then you still need to shut up. It’s different for Marine wives than it is for civilian wives. Our husbands need our support. Even if you do hate it, keep your mouth shut. I can only imagine how draining that must be to a Marine whose wife is constantly denigrating his job, his service, his calling, and his sacrifices. I can only imagine how soul-crushing it must be to know that his partner, his spouse, the person that is supposed to be there for him through anything, and who is supposed to support him, hates everything about what he does. A person who does that to their spouse must be some kind of selfish, because if you cared about how they felt, you wouldn’t do something like that.

Look, I get that this life isn’t easy. We’re coming up on my husband’s fourth — count ‘em, FOUR — deployment. It probably won’t be his last, either. I have no family that live near here and most of my friends don’t live here, either. But I don’t complain. Know why? Because I chose this life. My husband chose this life. We got into this together and I will never be anything but proud and supportive. He puts his life at risk; the least I can do is stand proudly by his side. Life in the Corps, whether as a Marine, a spouse, or a family member, is not for wimps. If you’re married to a Marine, you find that you just can’t handle it, and your love for him isn’t enough to make you become willing to endure, then there’s the door. Don’t let it hit you on the way out. Nothing is keeping any of us, as wives, in this lifestyle that is hard and challenging and constantly changing. A lot of it isn’t fair and a lot of it sucks. But there’s so much good in it as well. And there’s pride, and service, and honor, and commitment. If all of that isn’t enough, and your husband’s love isn’t enough, then why stay?

What I just don’t understand is why people like this even get married. Honestly — why even do it? If you’re going to be a selfish twat, then don’t get married and you can spend your life focusing on making no one else happy but yourself. And there won’t be the collateral damage that comes with dragging some poor man down because you don’t care enough to take his feelings into consideration.

Marriage is about more than just love. It’s about commitment, honor, respect, dignity, loyalty. I know I still believe in that. What’s sad is that apparently, there are a lot of women who no longer do. And it makes me sick.

 
11 Comments

Posted in Marine Corps life

 

Military life is not all love letters and clean houses

03 Jun

Uniform chasers are the worst kind of girls. Military men are wonderful, but going after a guy just for the glamour of the uniform is low. Yet that’s exactly what an article in Yahoo is encouraging women to do.

Conviction and courage wrapped in a crisp uniform with a patriotic ribbon on top? Yes, please. Dust off your patriotic heels and show our men in service just how much you appreciate their sacrifices.

Even though dating someone in the military can be incredibly challenging on many different levels, there are numerous reasons why a man in the service could be your ideal beau:

1. Conviction. Nothing says sexy more than someone who is putting his life on the line to protect your freedoms and rights. Joining the military is a choice; by serving his country, you know he has strong ideals and is willing to fight for them.

2. He is in great physical shape. Let’s not pretend that the fact he’s probably in the best shape of his life doesn’t turn you on. The rigorous training he is committed to is part of his daily routine, and you get to reap the benefits of his occupation’s strict physical and dietary habits. We’ll salute to that.

3. Potential for love letters. Since your relationship will probably be long-distance at certain points and for long periods of time, communication becomes quintessential. This means lots of emails, chats, phone conversations, and snail mail. The possibility of epic literary confessions of love is immense.

4. Independence and co-dependence. Since he is often in unfamiliar environments, you know that he can take care of himself. He is trained to survive hostile circumstances and protect his fellow soldiers, so he knows what it takes to work as a team. He knows how to work together for a common goal, but he can also assess a difficult situation and figure out a solution on his own. This can translate well for relationships. After all, love can be a battlefield too.

5. He takes directions well. The military is all about structure, order and rules. If he can survive taking commands from his superiors, you know that he won’t mind too much when you ask him to help you with the dishes every once in a while—or when you start ordering him around in the bedroom.

6. He can keep his room neat. Due to the discipline practiced in the barracks, you can count on him to pick up after himself and keep his personal affects in order. You can thank his drill sergeant for that one.

7. The uniform. It’s not just because the tailored cut of a uniform perfectly accentuates his physical assets. A uniform represents discipline, strength, courage, and fellowship—all traits that make for great partners. We are often attracted to men in uniform because of the message it sends to us: this is a person in a position of authority who can provide us with safety and whose job is to protect us from the dangers of the world.

How can we say no to that?

Let me just say that there are a lot of great things about being married to Matt. But it’s because I’m married to him, not being I’m married to just some arbitrary Marine. There are so many wonderful and awe-inspiring things about the people who serve in our military, but they aren’t reasons to date them.

And real military life? It is nothing like what this article talks about. I’ve never received a single love letter from Matt, not even while he was deployed. I asked some of my other friends, also married to Marines, and received similar snorts of indignation. Love letters are plenty romantic, but it’s probably you who will be sending them. There also isn’t a whole lot of reliable internet service, so web cams and e-mails aren’t happening all that often, either. And best physical shape of their lives? Most Marines are in decent shape, but plenty of them aren’t, too — dating someone in the military does not ensure you get chiseled abs and a sculpted six-pack.

And while the independence/co-dependence part is somewhat true, they leave out the tendency of military men to come home and still talk to you like one of his soldiers or Marines. It took me about a month at the beginning of our relationship to, A.) realize that he wasn’t being mean, he was just talking to me like a Marine and, B.) to then break him of that habit. This is another thing that I’ve spoken to other wives about, who had noticed the same thing happen.

Taking directions? Keeping his room neat? This is a person-by-person issue. Matt is as stubborn as they come. He takes directions from his superiors, sure, but from me? Hell no. And Matt’s pretty tidy, sure, but I know plenty of Marines who aren’t.

Being in the military doesn’t guarantee you’re going to get this whirlwind romance, complete with Richard Gere straight out of An Officer and a Gentleman. The only thing that you really can attest to out of this article is the uniform… which is pretty damn sexy.

What bothers me about this article is that it leads to uniform chasers. These are the girls who fall in love with the idea of dating a soldier or a Marine or a sailor, the girls who saw Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnet in Pearl Harbor and thought they’d pick one up for themselves.

They’re the ones who swan around town wearing Marine Corps everything. You know, because when you walk around Camp Lejeune with a young-looking guy who’s got a fade, no one knows you’re a Marine Corps wife or anything. They’re the ones who won’t work, who live off of their husband’s paycheck, and yet are the quickest to whine about how hard their life is. These are also the same girls who crack under the pressure as soon as the first deployment rolls around and start sleeping with every guy they see at a bar. You always know which girls they are. They walk into the bar wearing their wedding rings, sit down on a bar stool, slip their wedding rings into their pockets, and go to town.

You know which girls they are because they’re shallow, who married their men for shallow reasons.

Being married to Matt is wonderful, and I’m so proud to be a Marine Corps wife. But it’s hard. It’s not this romantic, glamorous life that Yahoo paints it out to be. It’s totally worthwhile, of course, but only if you get into it for the right reasons. Finding some random dude and dating him just because he’s in the military and has a sexy uniform is not one of them.

 
9 Comments

Posted in Marine Corps life

 

No, this is NOT the hardest job in the Corps

21 May

I don’t remember where, but in the past week, I came across the so-called Marine wife’s creed. And it just completely blew me away. It isn’t that I’m surprised by it — I’m not — but the arrogance of some wives just never ceases to amaze me. Before I go on too much further, let’s go over the Marine wife’s creed:

I am a Marine Wife .
In other words, I have gone through the LDL class of San Diego or Parris Island basic training. I have attempted and completed the Long-Distance Learning sector of Marine Corps boot camp, graduating from Platoon Wife, right along with my Devil Dog in his own platoon. I am proud to have earned the title of United States Marine Wife. Along with my Leatherneck, I have suffered, been broke down, and been rebuilt and designed as an entirely new person. I have unleashed a new patriotism to my country and my Corps. Yes, I belong to the Corps because I am committed to my Marine, and he is committed to the Corps. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. The Corps is his life and I am his spirit. I have learned the hard way, as he has learned also. Wherever the USMC takes him, I will follow, whether it is in presence or in thought. I will learn as much as possible about the Corps, because this is my duty. And I am always on Active Duty. I will always remain true to the Marine Corps Wife’s Core Values, because just as my Marine is always presented under the image of the United States Marine Corps, so I am an example to all Marine wive s everywhere. I will always remain faithful: to my Marine, my sisterhood of Marine wives, my Corps, and my country. And when my Marine is called for duty, so I will be also. I will support him at all times and at all costs, support my Marine Corps family, and will always remain loyal to the privilege of being the wife of one of “The Few, The Proud.” I am a USMC ambassador; for while my Marine retains peace and order in faraway lands, I will keep watch over our home land, and always remain honorable, courageous, and committed.
I am a United States Marine Wife .
Semper Fidelis.

Much of it is valid and good, grammatical errors notwithstanding (seriously — who wrote this thing?!). Actually, all of it is spot-on perfect, except for the very beginning — this part right here:

In other words, I have gone through the LDL class of San Diego or Parris Island basic training. I have attempted and completed the Long-Distance Learning sector of Marine Corps boot camp, graduating from Platoon Wife, right along with my Devil Dog in his own platoon. I am proud to have earned the title of United States Marine Wife. Along with my Leatherneck, I have suffered, been broke down, and been rebuilt and designed as an entirely new person. I have unleashed a new patriotism to my country and my Corps.

When I read the Marine wife’s creed, one thing goes through my mind. This is like the women who drive around with this on their cars:

Let me tell you, they are everywhere here. And every time I see them, it infuriates me. I almost want to smack some sense into these wives. Here’s the deal. Yes, being a Marine Corps wife is hard. It’s extremely difficult. There are a lot of trials and tears and loneliness and stress and sorrow. But there’s also a lot of love, and pride, and happiness, and strength in being a Marine Corps wife. It’s got ups and downs, like anything else. But to run around with “hardest job in the Corps” is to me disrespectful. It is SO disrespectful to their husbands!

Let’s think about a deployment. Let’s say that there’s a few kids involved. So, the Marine is in Afghanistan while the wife is stuck at home, by herself, having to take care of the kids and the house and all of the finances while he’s gone. Yes, it’s stressful. Yes, it’s lonely. Yes, it’s hard. But it does not compare to fighting for your life at war with bloodthirsty maniacs in Afghanistan! There is no comparison whatsoever. Marines while deployed are facing IEDs, mortars, bullets, and savages mad with blood lust. On top of that, you’re talking about horrible living conditions. Going weeks without showers. Not being able to wash your clothes. Not being able to speak to loved ones for weeks at a time. Not having access to things we take for granted like internet and cell phones. Not being able to have food and drinks they love on a regular basis. Not having the freedom to escape the FOB for a few hours when they start getting stir-crazy. Being stuck in the desert with no air conditioning while wearing bulky, heavy body armor and camis.

A wife while her husband is deployed can sit at home, in the air conditioning, and watch TV. She can pick up the phone and call whoever she wants. She can hop in her car and go anywhere she wants. She can eat anything she wants. She can wash her clothes anytime she wants. She can take a shower anytime she wants. She can go on the internet anytime she wants. But it’s so tough because she has to take responsibility for paying the bills and keeping the house in order? It. Does. Not. Compare.

I’ve cried myself to sleep while Matt is gone out of loneliness and fear. I’ve felt terror clamp over my heart without any warning. I’ve missed him so desperately that I wasn’t sure how I would be able to make it through. I’ve felt so overwhelmed at keeping everything going all by myself that I’ve just wanted to collapse in tears and just quit. I understand how difficult it is, really, I do. But it doesn’t come close to what Marines go through while they’re deployed to a war zone. There’s no comparison whatsoever.

I feel like it is just a huge slap in the face to the husbands from these wives with these attitudes. Sure, many of them don’t literally think their job as wife is tougher than their job as Marine. But it’s insensitive at best in my eyes.

No, just because you are a wife, you do not have the right to say you’ve been through boot camp in any way, shape, or form. You don’t have the right to say you’ve suffered as much as he has and you don’t have the right to say that your job is harder than his. The role of wife is tough, and not many women can do it, but for cripe’s sake, remember who’s making the real sacrifice. Remember who actually did go through boot camp and was broken down and rebuilt again. There’s an astounding amount of arrogance required to even joke about having been through boot camp just because you’re the wife, or that your job is harder than his. (The sad thing is, there are wives who aren’t joking.) Wives with this kind of attitude — that their job is the toughest in the Corps, that flaunt the Marine wife’s creed — only make me think one thing. They make me think that they married a Marine for the title of Marine Corps wife only, so they could feel important and special, and brag about how tough and difficult their life is. It’s the wives who revel in the “victimhood” of being left alone for six months or more out of the year.

I love my husband, and I am proud of the job he does. I love my country, and I love the Corps. I feel like it is my duty to be supportive of him and to stand by his side. My job is to make his life easier. I understand the stresses and the dangers he undertakes in his career — why do I need to add to it? That’s all that will happen with that kind of arrogant entitlement attitude. It really infuriates me. Marine wife’s creed? Hardest job in the Corps? Please.

I’ll never see how it is that a wife would have the nerve to disrespect their husbands in such a way, and to be so insensitive to the sacrifices that they make.

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26 Comments

Posted in Marine Corps life