Its been almost a week since Matt left for the first time since Benjamin was born. And it is my first time being a mom all on my own.

The good news is that, with a kid, the time absolutely goes by much faster. The days just fly by. I look down at the time on my phone and will be shocked to find that it’ll be 5:00 already. The downside is that I get no break at all. I know that Matt has it harder than I do out in the field (especially days like today, when its been raining all day), but it’s still a little tough some days. When Ben is being really fussy or cranky, and I’m getting frustrated, the thought inevitably creeps into my mind: I have to deal with this all day. I am almost at the end of my rope and I have no one to help me. Of course, it gets better within a few minutes for the most part — Ben stops crying, I calm down, and everything is fine. But those moments where I feel completely helpless and alone are definitely tough. Being alone with a baby is so different from being completely alone when he’s gone, and its a big adjustment to make. There are definitely ups and downs to separation with kids as opposed to without.

One of the downs? Ben hasn’t been sleeping as well lately. I’ve been so confused as to what has been affecting his sleeping habits. It took some time, but eventually I got him to where he was not only sleeping through the night, but also on a fairly reliable naptime schedule. He usually wakes up around 8:00am. But since Matt left, he’s been waking up around 4:30am and he isn’t napping as well as he normally does, either. The only thing different is that his dad isn’t here. I have no idea if he even realizes it, and if it would affect something like that, but I don’t know what else could be causing it. He is teething, but I’m still giving him Tylenol as usual. He’s eating the normal amounts and doesn’t seem to be hungrier than usual. I’m so confused as to what the difference is. I can’t figure it out. And I really do wonder if Ben has noticed that his Daddy isn’t here.

Things are a little tough on my end as well. I miss him so much already. Like I said before, I don’t think I’ll ever completely get used to him not being here. Its only been a few days, but I really do miss him. I just want to hug him for a few minutes, for him to sleep in the bed next to me. But this is only the beginning, and I’ve got to tough it out for a lot longer than a few weeks soon. I’m not looking forward to it, but at the same time… I really just want to get it over with.