The doubt is starting to set in. It has only been about a week since Matt has been gone, and it has been easy and hard at the same time. Ben definitely makes it easier, for one. The time is going by much faster, and I’m busier as well. And Matt gets to come home for a few minutes a couple times a week — he is taking an EMT course two days a week, and they’re letting him leave the field to go to the course. I only see him for the few minutes it takes for him to come home and change, but its more than virtually every other wife in our battalion.
Even with those few minutes though, its still hard. I feel guilty for even saying that when no one else gets to see their husband, but it is. I miss him so much. Those few minutes I get are wonderful, but the time without him is awful. I want nothing more than to be able to kiss him, or sleep in the bed next to him. And then I start to wonder how the hell I’m going to make it through this next deployment if I’m struggling through a field op that’s less than a month long.
The dirty little secret that I don’t like to admit is that I’m scared. Terrified, actually. When I stop and think about it, I realize that its something that wives never really mention unless they’re having a low day. Its like if you say out loud, I’m scared that my husband is going to die, it might come true. But its the truth. I am scared. Every now and then, this awful thought comes to mind and it isn’t for any reason in particular, but I worry: what if he doesn’t come home? You always tell yourself that it won’t happen, not to you and not to your husband, but there is always that chance that it could. And then those thoughts take over… what if, what if, what if. What if I get that knock on my door, what if I’ll never see him again, what if Ben never knows his daddy? It can drive you crazy, so you don’t say it out loud. But its the truth. I’m scared. I know in all likelihood everything will be fine, but I can’t be superwoman, and I can’t permanently make the doubt go away. Its hard, it really is. I feel like I am so prepared and ready for this deployment, but every now and then, I can’t help it. The doubt and the fear and the anxiety take over.
Teresa in Fort Worth
September 27, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Hang in there, sweetie. I’m not a military wife, but I know the fear that you are talking about. You get through it moment by moment, day by day, week by week, and month by month. Each day is a gift, each day you get stronger, and each day is one day closer to the day that he will be back with you.
Nothing in life is guaranteed; that’s something that some of us have to face sooner than others do. Every day, you’ll gain a little more strength, and one day soon – before you can even imagine it, really – you wil be the one standing there with your arms around a young wife whose man is being deployed and you’ll be telling her that she will be OK, and she will find strength within herself that she never knew she had.
We are all here for you and all of the other families like yours, sending you good thoughts and prayers, and lending you moral support that you might not even realize is there.
Fall back on us whenever you need to -
Big Al
September 27, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I wish I had some words of wisdom, some really good advice. For this I don’t. I think it’s somehow easier to confront danger than it is to have a loved one facing that danger.
I’m a Deputy Sheriff and a volunteer Firefighter and each of those carries a risk with it. I rely on my training and the personal confidence in my ability and the abilities of the people around me. I don’t worry too much about those dangers. My wife, I’d suppose, has only her ability to trust to hold to (and I think a bit of a “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” attitude). I think to an extent she’s pushed those dangers out of her mind.
It’s got to be harder for a military wife, for I come home every night, and if something happens to me she’s right there. A militay wife can’t be there to hold there spouse in time of need and hear information from the horses mouth, so to speak. It’s as if they are cut off and helpless. The greatest fear being the unknown.
I know of no magic spell to cast, or any secret insight to share. Only know that he’s had the very best training in the world, and those around him are the very best of the best. He has trust in those around him and you need to trust in him. Pray. Have faith. And when that doubt and fear and anxiety take over just remember that he’s got what it takes to do the job he’s doing. He’s skilled. He’s prepared. He’s special. And we are as proud of him as we can be. God bless the United States Marines, and extra bless their families.